new things – part 1

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So, you know when you have a big thing happen in your life and you feel a bit less in control of everything that you thought… For me, a recent-ish devastating break-up happened (yeah, another one).

We were all set to get engaged. He had the ring (that we’d picked out & designed together), I bought a dress, we had a rough wedding date… then it all fell apart.

He was going away on a 3 week OS trip (that he’d had planned for ages) and of course, I knew it would be hard and that I’d miss him. Leading up to his departure I told him cute things (as seriously awesome girlfriends / almost fiancés do) like “I miss you already” & “make sure you keep in contact when you can so I know you’re safe”. Things like that. Mushy stuff, but most likely expected. I mean, we were almost engaged. I loved him! He wanted to propose before he went away, but I asked him to wait. I didn’t want to be all excited and then he leaves!

Well, I suspected things were a little weird when I took him to the airport (parked and waited with him even – which he asked me to do! I was just going to drop him off and go home). He seemed weird, but I thought it might just be him preparing for the long flight, sad to leave me, worried about safety (??), I dunno. I mostly had to guess what was in his head, because he wasn’t good at expressing how he felt… fair enough.

Things were going OK while he was away. He got wifi pretty much everywhere he went so we could keep in fairly regular contact. There was just one point in the trip when he didn’t make contact, which made me suspect that something was going on… But I talked to him and everything was right with the world again.

He got home and things were weird again. We had a big long walk and talk a few days after he got home and he said we needed to “go back to square one in our relationship” he said that I shouldn’t expect a proposal anytime soon. Fair enough. He got cold feet. Quite common I hear. But things only got worse from there… He became more and more distant and told me that he didn’t like hanging out with me and that I was “annoying him” more and more, and that I was getting to clingy and he’d never seen that side of me before (um yeah, you’d never gone away that long before!) but he didn’t think we should break up…. (advice given to him by friends…) UGH!! What was I meant to do? I felt utterly stuck. That’s when a wise friend suggested a ‘one month of no contact’ and then assess where we were at after. I knew it would be super hard, but I had to do something. Being stuck wasn’t an option for me. I had to be moving forward in some way, even if that meant intentional space and time apart.

So the month was difficult, but I was optimistic.

Then we had “the chat”. We met in the cafe that we had our first date in (good choice, bro… haha!). He asked how I found the month and where I was at. I said I wasn’t happy with how things in our relationship had been going, but I was willing to stay together and work on things if we went to “couples therapy”. Anyway, he didn’t want to stay together in the end. What a bozo. See ya later, bro.

That night I cried rather a lot. Hideous crying. Devastated crying. My whole future plans had just caved in. The one I loved with my whole heart didn’t feel the same way anymore.

Then I stopped crying and got on with my life.

I was fairly angry with him for quite awhile (rightly so), and still am a little but I’m MUCH better now. Stronger, in fact.

I’ve been learning lot’s of new things and trying to grow as a person.

Stay tuned for all the new things I’ve been doing…!

PS. I’ve kept his name out of the post to protect his identity (the bozo). But if you know me, you know who I’m talking about 😉

not so picky.

a conversation between 2 characters from a movie called ‘Up in the Air’. enjoy.

Natalie Keener: I thought I’d be engaged by now. I thought by 23, I’d be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.

Alex Goran: Well, life can underwhelm you that way.

Natalie Keener: Where did you think you’d be by err…?

Alex Goran: It doesn’t work that way. At a certain point, you stop with the dead lines. It can be a little counter productive.

Natalie Keener: I don’t want to say anything that is anti feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.

Alex Goran: It was our pleasure.

Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6’1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he’d have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?

Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don’t think about that when you’re younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that’s a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that’s not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.

Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing.

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doing things on my own.

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doing things on my own.

So, I went on an overseas holiday ON MY OWN. This is pretty big for me. I have gone to the movies on my own, shopping on my own, and even gone to parties on my own. These are some of the perils of a single girl.

I really hate going to parties on my own. Just walking in and trying to find people I know, then feeling like I’m being a burden, so I find more people to talk to. It mostly just makes me feel anxious and sometimes I won’t even go, just to avoid all the hassle. Silly, I know. Just suck it up, right? I tell myself this all the time…

Going to the movies is a different story. I actually like this. I get to pick the movie, whatever I like. I get the movie snacks all to myself. I get to cry, without feeling judged. It is really the best thing! Going shopping is pretty much the same deal. I get to spend as much or as little time in a shop as I want. I get to try on as many things as I want. I get to take a break or not whenever I want. It’s great! The only problem is that I have no one to tell me when I’m spending too much money. But that’s for me to learn. SELF-CONTROL!

This time, I thought I’d up the stakes. I’d go on an overseas holiday on my own. To New Zealand. Flights were very cheap. So I made the decision! Easy. I’m so glad I went. Some bits were scary, like driving. But other bits were fantastic: sleeping in, sightseeing, cooking, shopping, flying and making friends!

You might be wondering why I didn’t invite anyone to come with me… Well, I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I really am a grown up, that I can do things on my own. I’m THIRTY now and I have to start acting like it, right? So there you go.

Go out and enjoy having solo adventures! You might like it.

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Mitchell gets NARNIA for Christmas

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Mitchell gets NARNIA for Christmas

Being Mitchell’s Godmother, I thought I should be the one to buy him this gem. So I did! It was his Christmas present in 2012. The only problem was, that I hadn’t read it yet. I realise that this practice is not the best, but I think I can safely say that Narnia should be the exception to that rule. He’s not really at the age where he will understand it, but at least he has it and it’s a nice copy 🙂

But now I can safely say that I HAVE READ IT!! And I’m so glad that I did too. What an adventure! I’m still reflecting on how it links to the Bible though… I know it does, but maybe I need to discuss that a bit more with others to understand. Looking forward to discussing it with Mitchell someday!